i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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