My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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