I just pynch a tree in the face
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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