Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
