I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
