it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
