having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
