Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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