Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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