Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
