Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
