Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
