We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
