I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
