My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
