I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
