He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
why is half of my head shaved?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
