Soap is not a condiment
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
