wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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