so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
