Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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