I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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