I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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