you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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