Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
