does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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