If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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