I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
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he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
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I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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