At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
