my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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