Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
