everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
