I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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