Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
