Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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