3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
