I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
