you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
