Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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