I think im going to throw up on grandma
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
