She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
