nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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