Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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