He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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