Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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