I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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