i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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