apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
