Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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