U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
