I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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