im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
