My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
