Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
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She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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