I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think my moral compass just broke
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
