Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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