Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
