If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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