He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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